This house is not a home.

I'm in a transition period right now. Still in my house part of the time, but spending more and more time at his; it will be my home, too, when we can get it together to make room for me and my stuff. That will be weeks of work. Everything and everyone I love in my life now is there. The only piece missing from that puzzle right now is me.

Missing is a good word to describe my general demeanor now. There is a huge void that is evident every time I unlock the door to my house, tiptoe to the bedroom, and find an empty dog bed on the bedroom floor where there was once a snoring German Shepherd. Missing is the routine she and I had gotten into. Hanging out together in that bedroom in the mornings, her rolling and yapping and demanding food, me getting a workout in before the day started. Six days a week, mostly without fail. Missing is my brain for the past month. Distracted, scattered. I have lists. I misplace lists. Tasks are forgotten. I am in such a hurry every day to get out of this empty shell that used to be a home, that I can't remember what it is I wanted to accomplish when I do go. My focus is missing.

At his house, too, I am aimless. Still seems like I am just hanging out at someone else's place on my days off like I always did; like I should be somewhere else, or doing something else. There is always that pull - I need to go home to _________ . But the truth is, I only need to go there to grab a change of clothes occasionally. There is no one to take care of here now. I am trying to create a routine at his house, but it's difficult; I'm not used to accommodating other peoples' schedules and needs. In other words, it's not home yet. It definitely feels more that way than it ever did, and more than my empty, dogless, soulless house does - but it's just not going to happen until I am there 24/7.

I gave myself a good 7 days to be a slug. Now, I am obligating myself again to break a sweat for 6 of 7 days and to be moving in some fashion every day of the week. I haven't been able to run on the treadmill since she's been gone. Not the one in my bedroom, anyway. I just can't/don't spend that much time there. It's painful. I've taken to walking the Little Girlie on the 4-mile out and back loop in the park when at his place, and doing a 3.5 mile walk at a fast clip, on a route I call Hill Of Death when I'm at my place. I've got weights and a workout ball at both houses now, so I can do the Body Fat Solution weights workout every day, no matter where I am.

There's a gym membership in the works so that no matter where I am, I have that as an anchor. It's a start, anyway.

Holding it together. Trying, anyway.

This hasn't been the best week, exercise-wise. The display on my treadmill is taking a crap halfway through my workouts, which has made regulating my pace an annoying guessing game.

I have been ambivalent about using it until I know what's wrong with it, so as a result, I've conveniently used that as an excuse to skip two C25K workouts this week.

"Run outdoors!", you say, "Just lace up your Brooks and run outdoors!"

To that, I reply, "Feh."

If you know me at all you know I'm a treadmill sissy. I'm one of those people who can run miles on a treadmill but can't get 100 yards outdoors for some reason. That "some" reason is located squarely between my ears and covered with fake highlights. Twice this week I prepared myself for an outdoor run and twice I backed out, under the guise of needing more sleep. There's a glimmer of legitimacy to that, but I've gone without that 45 minutes of sleep before and nobody has died (that I know of, or, they were going to die anyway, and that guy I ran off the road doesn't count - he deserved it).

So, yeah. I am going to try to start running outdoors like a normal person. If I do C25K workouts Saturday and Sunday I can still finish W5 on time. That will be 3 days of running in a row. (I am buying stock in Icy-Hot on my BlackBerry even as I type that.) Still doing the Body Fat Solution workouts every other day, and I really look forward to them. I am noticing that my mid-section is re-shaping and my upper body and core are already stronger, and I am seeing definition in my quads again. I am holding planks and bird-dogs easily for 30 seconds, where I could barely hold for 20 when I started a month ago. Next up, minute-long planks and bird-dogs. Eek.

So, I guess what I'm saying is... prepare for some whining. There's going to be quite a learning curve as I attempt to leave the ranks of treadmill sissies and switch teams - as it were - and learn to be an outdoor runner.

This is what I've had the most trouble with....

... in my struggle to not use food for anything other than fuel for my body. I tend to feel a binge coming on and say to myself, "Ok," instead of having a conversation about the possible consequences of going through with the binge. Sometimes I don't even think enough to get to the "Ok" part. I just do. And that leads to a pattern of hours and sometimes days - at the worst times, months - of out-of-control eating with no regard for what it does to my body.



I came upon what you see below in my new book, and it was like the heavens opened up and put a cheat-sheet in my pocket. Actually I put the cheat-sheet in my pocket. Marked the page, highlighted around that bulleted list, and ran off a copy, and laminated it. I take it everywhere with me now, and it got me through a Memorial Day cookout pretty painlessly. Rather than having seconds and thirds of everything as I usually do, followed by a "taste" (yeah right) of the many dessert offerings, I had grilled chicken, beans, asparagus, and for dessert... one cookie. That, my friends, is progress. What was more amazing about it is that I was thoroughly satisfied and felt absolutely no stress in saying no to additional portions, even when cookie cake was waved in my face by a hostess anxious to get rid of the sweets. It really did give me hope once again that I could do this, and that every day didn't have to be a struggle.





Here is what I am carrying around everywhere with me: (from page 77 of Tom Venuto's book, The Body Fat Solution)

• Am I thinking about eating because I'm physically hungry or for another
  reason?

If it's not for physical hunger, then why I am thinking about eating
this?

What will be the immediate consequences if I eat this?

What will be the long-term consequences if I eat this?

What will be my rewards for saying no to this?

Is eating this going to move me closer or farther away from my
goal?

Is eating this worth it?

See what I mean? It's so goddamned simple, it's stupid! I've gone over this sort of thing in one form or another in therapy for the past year and a half. But, there it is, conveniently on a page, all in one place, worded just the way I think my therapist intended when she urged me to have a conversation with my self (or my inner child) while considering eating mindlessly.

So far, all I can say is that little laminated piece of paper has freed me. Thanks, Tom.

I could never be a therapist.

Though that was my major and my intention in college, I am realizing now that would have been a terrible career path for many reasons. Primarily, because I'd fucking slap people.

Don't get me wrong; I have empathy. I do! But after watching Obsessed the other night, that just confirmed in my mind that I am right where I need to be, career-wise. For some reason, the more people cry and say "I can't" and do silly shit like wearing the bloodied clothing their dead father was wearing the night he died in a car accident - the more empathy flies out the window and I want to slap them.

I bet my therapist wants to slap me sometimes. Hell, I want to slap me. I sit there in the recliner (nope, not on a couch) once a month, and I say the same things over and over again. She gives me gentle reminders that I should be going over my 12-step work and reminds me of all of the tools I have to keep me from eating more than I need to. I go to a group once a month in her office and we all sit and talk about problems, solutions, situations where we've succeeded, situations we haven't handled well. Yet I don't see any major outward progress with myself or anyone else. Sometimes I wonder what would happen at the end of a year if I took all those co- pays and group fees and socked them away and didn't go. Would I be the same weight, just $720 richer? Or would I go off the deep end and gain 40lbs? See? Don't you wanna just slap me?

I found a book that sort of encapsulates a good bit of what I have been learning in therapy into big ol' handy, 293 page cheat sheet. It comes from an unlikely author. Not a psychiatrist or psychologist; not even a doctor. Not one single pretentious letter follows his name. However, this book, in reiterating everything I am learning in therapy in a down-to-earth and motivational format, is re-opening my eyes and telling me again: You can actually do this. It's not rocket science. You don't have to obsess over food or think about it all the time. You don't need to belong to a gym or own thousands of dollars worth of fancy equipment.

The book is The Body Fat Solution by Tom Venuto, a bodybuilder, trainer, proponent of natural nutrition, and blogger.

I'll be sharing some tidbits from the book that are making me nod my head, get out my highlighter and run to the copier to immortalize certain passages.

And I'll sit there on Monday and tell my therapist about it and she'll think to herself, while probably wanting to slap me, "Yes, yes. It's the same stuff I've been trying to get through your thick skull for the past year and a half." (all the while smiling enigmatically at me)