This house is not a home.

I'm in a transition period right now. Still in my house part of the time, but spending more and more time at his; it will be my home, too, when we can get it together to make room for me and my stuff. That will be weeks of work. Everything and everyone I love in my life now is there. The only piece missing from that puzzle right now is me.

Missing is a good word to describe my general demeanor now. There is a huge void that is evident every time I unlock the door to my house, tiptoe to the bedroom, and find an empty dog bed on the bedroom floor where there was once a snoring German Shepherd. Missing is the routine she and I had gotten into. Hanging out together in that bedroom in the mornings, her rolling and yapping and demanding food, me getting a workout in before the day started. Six days a week, mostly without fail. Missing is my brain for the past month. Distracted, scattered. I have lists. I misplace lists. Tasks are forgotten. I am in such a hurry every day to get out of this empty shell that used to be a home, that I can't remember what it is I wanted to accomplish when I do go. My focus is missing.

At his house, too, I am aimless. Still seems like I am just hanging out at someone else's place on my days off like I always did; like I should be somewhere else, or doing something else. There is always that pull - I need to go home to _________ . But the truth is, I only need to go there to grab a change of clothes occasionally. There is no one to take care of here now. I am trying to create a routine at his house, but it's difficult; I'm not used to accommodating other peoples' schedules and needs. In other words, it's not home yet. It definitely feels more that way than it ever did, and more than my empty, dogless, soulless house does - but it's just not going to happen until I am there 24/7.

I gave myself a good 7 days to be a slug. Now, I am obligating myself again to break a sweat for 6 of 7 days and to be moving in some fashion every day of the week. I haven't been able to run on the treadmill since she's been gone. Not the one in my bedroom, anyway. I just can't/don't spend that much time there. It's painful. I've taken to walking the Little Girlie on the 4-mile out and back loop in the park when at his place, and doing a 3.5 mile walk at a fast clip, on a route I call Hill Of Death when I'm at my place. I've got weights and a workout ball at both houses now, so I can do the Body Fat Solution weights workout every day, no matter where I am.

There's a gym membership in the works so that no matter where I am, I have that as an anchor. It's a start, anyway.

Holding it together. Trying, anyway.

This hasn't been the best week, exercise-wise. The display on my treadmill is taking a crap halfway through my workouts, which has made regulating my pace an annoying guessing game.

I have been ambivalent about using it until I know what's wrong with it, so as a result, I've conveniently used that as an excuse to skip two C25K workouts this week.

"Run outdoors!", you say, "Just lace up your Brooks and run outdoors!"

To that, I reply, "Feh."

If you know me at all you know I'm a treadmill sissy. I'm one of those people who can run miles on a treadmill but can't get 100 yards outdoors for some reason. That "some" reason is located squarely between my ears and covered with fake highlights. Twice this week I prepared myself for an outdoor run and twice I backed out, under the guise of needing more sleep. There's a glimmer of legitimacy to that, but I've gone without that 45 minutes of sleep before and nobody has died (that I know of, or, they were going to die anyway, and that guy I ran off the road doesn't count - he deserved it).

So, yeah. I am going to try to start running outdoors like a normal person. If I do C25K workouts Saturday and Sunday I can still finish W5 on time. That will be 3 days of running in a row. (I am buying stock in Icy-Hot on my BlackBerry even as I type that.) Still doing the Body Fat Solution workouts every other day, and I really look forward to them. I am noticing that my mid-section is re-shaping and my upper body and core are already stronger, and I am seeing definition in my quads again. I am holding planks and bird-dogs easily for 30 seconds, where I could barely hold for 20 when I started a month ago. Next up, minute-long planks and bird-dogs. Eek.

So, I guess what I'm saying is... prepare for some whining. There's going to be quite a learning curve as I attempt to leave the ranks of treadmill sissies and switch teams - as it were - and learn to be an outdoor runner.