Something is about to happen

If you look at the clothes I'm wearing (same size as last summer), or the number on the scale (same number +/- 5lbs as last year), it looks like nothing is changing, despite 1 1/2 years in a therapist's chair, purchase of a very nice treadmill, pending purchase of a very nice bike, and completion of Couch to 5K.

Outwardly, where one can see, nothing is changing. Inwardly, I'm preparing. Ironically, if I'd just do less planning inwardly and just do something, some sort of change would probably be apparent right now. However, that's just not how I'm wired.

Things are changing. Up here. *taps head*
I'm realizing that what I am afraid of is being able to sustain a commitment to lifestyle change, with proper portion control and exercise every day. For right now, I'd rather sit here and blog and stress over it, and over-analyze it than to "just DO _______ ", whatever " _________" might be. But, be warned, it's coming. It's on its way. Right around the corner. Really!

I have a start day and time in mind. I'm not sharing that right now, but it's coming soon, and you'll be one of the first to know.

Stay tuned.

I gotta be honest here...

... though I love what it does for my body and how I feel when I'm done with it, I hate running. No. I HATE running.

But, you ask, didn't you do Couch to 5K last winter, running every other day like clockwork until you graduated the program? Yes. And, you ask, aren't you signed up for a 5K right now? Like a month from now? Guilty, again. And I will follow through with that. I will train as best I can, though I will despise every single moment of it. Many people will finish in front of me. Hopefully, a few will finish behind me. And then, I can put this running nonsense behind me for good. Or, until I lose my mind again. I don't know why it took me so long to come to this conclusion. Even when I was running every other day, the only reason was that there was a finite endpoint to it. When I reached that endpoint, the motivation disappeared like a fart in the wind.

The past week, predictably, the weather's been getting nicer. I've been walking the little pup in the park, about 4 miles round trip. At the clip we walk, it's a good enough workout that I can feel the muscles in my legs twitching for several minutes after we've finished; they have that nice taut feeling without the tearing sensation in my achilles or the feeling that someone did a cannonball on my lower back. I've done a fast walk/hill climb workout on my treadmill on the days the weather or my schedule didn't agree with walking outside, and I've been just as sweaty and burned just as many calories as if I'd run the whole time. Except... I enjoyed it. I wasn't watching the clock chanting to myself, "amIdone-amIdone-amIdone-whencanIbedone-jesuschristonacrutch-it'sonlybeen5minutes." (or words to that effect)

When I'm outdoors walking or hiking.. I enjoy it. I assume I will love kayaking even more, once I get the new boat out on the water. My bike is all tuned up and ready for riding to work, or the store, or wherever I feel like riding. I guess the point is, there are so many active things I really love to do, why would I spend all day fretting and dreading and beating myself up until I half-assed eke out something that resembles running... when I HATE it?

Thursday's thoughts and fears

Well, here it is Thursday again; the day I've chosen to vomit out all of the thoughts, musings and fears that clutter my crispy brain, so that there's room once again for more important stuff, like knowing which key fits my house or how to launder my pretty panties without ruining them. 

Something struck me today as I was plundering my way through my 3 mile run. The best way I can describe it was a sense of trepidation. For what? I'm not sure. Possibly because I have a recovery day tomorrow during which I don't run. Maybe I'm afraid I'll find an excuse on Saturday not to pick it back up. In fact, I'm almost positive that's what I'm afraid of.  See, I've done this before.  Started Couch to 5K numerous times and quit.  It finally stuck last January, and I graduated the program last spring - which, don't get me wrong, is quite an accomplishment - but then I sort of just petered out from there.  It was like, "Ok, I did this. Now what?"  Without a plan, I was lost. 

I'm kind of wary that I'm setting myself up in a similar fashion by sticking this Komen 5K carrot out there on a stick in front of me.  First, make it a HoHo instead of a carrot. I'll run faster. Second, am I going to just look around, lost, after the 5K dust settles? I enjoy what running does for me.  I have been an athlete all my life and have never found anything that can condition me like running.  My legs felt strong.  I could see the muscle definition I used to have, returning.  My jeans and work pants were loose.  I had so much endurance.  At everything.  My waist thinned out.  My resting heart rate was 56.  But do I enjoy the actual running part? I don't know. Right now, while it's still painful?  No.  I seem to remember back in the latter stages of C25K when I was just running for 30-40 minutes at a time that I had sort of a love/boredom/hate relationship with it. 

I don't know what to do about that.  Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe a summer break from running isn't that bad, with all the other activities that go on in the summer.  However, it seems to turn into a break until I-gotta-do-it-it's-January-oh-shit-Ha!-signed-up-for-a-race-now-gotta-do-it thing.  A friend of mine who graduated C25K around the same time I did continued to run daily and is way ahead of me as far as being in condition for a race.  I sort of wish I'd have stuck to it like Karen did.  

I don't know what my goal is going to be after May, but it's clear that I'm going to have to have one.  Going to have to think about that one. 

Today..

.. was technically supposed to be a day off running, but I really felt like it. And when you feel like doing something that's good for you, dammit, you get to steppin' and you DO it.

I was planning on modifying the W5D2 workout to walk 5, run 10, repeat x1. However I got interrupted toward the end of my warmup by some hot guy walking right into my house! Luckily, he loves me so he didn't seem to be disgusted by my workout attire: sports bra, shorts and running shoes. I, personally, was mortified. By the way his eyes were fixated on my boobs, I determined that he didn't notice anything other than those 38Ds bouncing with each step.

Anyway, my workout got cut short because I had to leave soon. So I ran an easy 15. I guess I didn't get as out-of-shape as I thought on my self imposed lazyass break from hard exercise.

The New Year's resolution that stuck

You know how New Year's resolutions are. Especially the ones regarding exercise. We come out of the gate with our asses on fire, only to have petered out within a couple of weeks. If we're really seasoned at this NYR stuff, sometimes we stick it out til March. You hear the regular gym-goers complaining about the NYR peeps all the time because the treadmills and circuit machines have n00bs swarming all over them. Probably not even wiping them down when they're done. *shudder*

My NYR that stuck this year was a three-pronged approach. I resolved to start eating cleaner whole foods all the time, not just sometimes. And to quit hitting the drive-thrus on my way home from work. The latter was actually the biggest struggle of all. Who doesn't crave a Chik Fil A cookies n' cream milkshake, or a Big Mac, or Wendy's chicken sandwiches, at one time or another? But I've done it. The only reason I've been able to do it was with a whole lot of help.

You see.. I "see" someone. Yep. Part II of the NYR. To finally sort out why I put so much importance on food. To figure out why I can't resist the lure of the drive-thru. To help myself find the motivation for a permanent change. I have learned so much about myself, and what twisted and warped reasoning I had been using to justify bingeing on crap food. One of the latest little gems I have learned to keep myself on track is the idea that it is my job to protect myself from harm. I protect those I love from harm. I protect my beloved dogs from harm. Why not myself? Will one Big Mac harm me? No. Will eating it every day to excess cause harm? You betcha. *waits for Mcdonalds lawyers to find this paragraph* One thing I have learned is that we have become so detached from the beautiful and amazing piece of machinery that is our body. You would never think of putting sugar in the gas tank of your car intentionally. It won't run right! But we put all kinds of crap into our bodies every day that it doesn't recognize. Our bodies weren't meant to break down and use Twinkies, or margarine, or Ramen noodles - or high fructose corn syrup - probably the most evil processed "food" product of all. It's difficult, every time I prepare food or eat, to think to myself: "Am I protecting myself from harm by eating this?" And I'm sure it sounds boring. For the majority of the time, it is. I eat pretty much the same thing for breakfast every day. The routine is comforting for me. However, the flip side of this is that when I do allow myself to indulge in a treat, I enjoy it and savor it 100% more.

Part III of the NYR was for me to finally complete the Couch to 5k program. It's an awesome set of workouts geared toward training someone who's literally never run before, to someone who can respectably complete a 5k. I had started it numerous times and had always quit around week 4. However, this time it stuck. I can't tell you why, except that in my mind I made it absolutely mandatory that I complete the designated C25K workout every other day, without deviation, without fail, without excuses. I did finish (graduate - YEAH!) the 9 week program and continued to run every other day until late May. Then the lazies took over.

However I do have some new motivation to start running again and I did restart today. I jumped in to W5D1 of C25K this morning. I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive about how it would go. Envisioning pulled muscles, too-slow playlists, not having a clean sports bra or socks, I got it together and hopped on the treadmill. Much to my surprise it's like riding a bike. Or something. It's almost as if my body missed running. Another case of being sort of blind and deaf to the body's wants and needs.