Entitlement

To what do you feel entitled?

At times, I still feel entitled to treat myself (at least that's how I spin it when I'm in the moment). Or I feel entitled to medicate myself. Or even numb myself and check out.

The word entitlement sparked a pretty intense discussion between my fiance and I one night, as I argued the point that maybe the little one should have a doughnut or a milkshake for her bedtime snack. Not a doughnut and a milkshake. Let's not even go into the fact that there has to be a snack every night before bed, even if the little one is not really hungry. Sometimes I just get tired of fighting.

This night, however, he struck a nerve as the disagreement went on: "She's healthy and she's not overweight and she's entitled to have doughnuts if she wants them."
At the mention of anyone being entitled to deep-fried dough, covered in syrupy glaze - as if it were a basic human need like shelter or water - my head nearly spun off and exploded.

Feeling "entitled" is what drives me to fight with myself nearly every minute of every day. Entitlement is what drove me to hit drive throughs on my way home from work (even though I had just had dinner an hour ago). Entitlement is what has sparked many impromptu shopping trips for favorite binge foods. Entitlement is why I sit on the couch and watch dvr shows when it would benefit me more to be working out. Entitlement is why I grab packages of cookies from the medic room, even if not the least bit hungry.

So I figured it would be a good time to look at entitlement in a new and positive way. Why not make a list of things to which I really should be entitled?

• I am entitled to love myself enough to spend at least an hour on myself every day, my hour, improving my physical conditioning and making my body strong and healthy
• I am entitled to feed my body high-quality, non-processed foods
• I am entitled to "waste" food in the disposal rather than "waste" excess food into my body
• I am entitled to say no to anything that cuts into my hour, just as I am entitled to work just as hard to find time for my hour as I do for tv and coffee consumption
• I am entitled to ask you to take your tempting sweets and put them out of my direct eyesight
• I am entitled to walks in the woods with my dog.. because it keeps us both sane.

Yesterday was day 3 in a row of working out hard, and I'm starting to feel that almost gravitational pull that the treadmill has on me. Even when I feel fatigued and foggy, like yesterday, I could hear it calling me. Procrastination turned out to be my friend this time. My entitled side was feeling the need for breakfast for dinner - could be healthy, but the version I had in mind certainly wasn't. Turns out I put my workout off just long enough that as soon as I was done, I had just enough time to shower and get ready for work, and shove the makings of a chef salad in a bag to take with me.

After working out for an hour and not having eaten for several before, I always look at a salad on a plate (no matter how big and loaded it is), and think, "Is that it?" See? Always feeling entitled to something more.

Yesterday, however, it was plenty enough. Repeat this cycle enough times and maybe one day I will think to myself (and really mean it), "I'm feeling entitled to a salad today!"