Huh. Where have I been?

It's been a busy month. Lots of trainees. Lots of classes. Lots of working daylights and coming home to feed the dog, collapse into a hot tub to fall asleep, then stumble to bed. What's new and improved?

• Started going to my support group, which seems like it will work out pretty well and be a good source of ideas and support. I look around at all these people putting into words all the feelings *I* have had for years and thought unique and odd. And to some extent, I'm like: "Wow! Other people feel this way too?" On the other hand, I'm also like: "Crap. I feel bad for (person's name). I know how just much that hurts."
• A new crop of n00bs is just about trained. Whew. Halfway through a hellish 4 weeks of daylights. Ugh.
• Water rescue class was a freaking BLAST! What was funny, or scary maybe... was watching how out of shape people were, having to stop many times to complete 100 yards swimming. But we did swim fully clothed, shoes and all, and in PFDs. Moving water training coming soon. I can't wait!
• Water rescue class, the pool session we did last night, made me realize I miss swimming. I miss it hard. It was like finding an old friend I thought I'd lost. I need to figure out when I can go to family swim nights at the high school and swim some laps.
• Tonight is a seminar my therapist is giving at a local hospital on handling holiday food and eating. I've been looking forward to this because I'm at a crossroads. I love, love, love to do holiday baking. I love to make pumpkin rolls, and pumpkin and blueberry pies... Several different varieties of Christmas cookies. Share them and mail them to people. Now I'm wondering if this is the best thing for me.. or for the recipients. What if I send sweets to someone who secretly struggles with the stuff, like I did? Do I really want that stuff in my house, calling to me? I can't wait to see what I learn tonight. Well.. what we learn. Dan is coming with me, and I'm happy about that too. He's been so supportive through this whole journey, but he's not getting quite the education on in that I am, what with my bi-montly sessions and group meetings and books I read. I'm relieved that he may learn some things tonight that will help him to help me. I love him for making the time for this, knowing it's important to me.

Dood. Heavy stuff.

Had something of a *lightbulb* moment today in my session. I was lamenting the fact that though I have corrected a lot - and I mean a lot - of my destructive eating patterns, I still seem to be hanging on by my fingernails. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

Fighting with myself.

Let me repeat that, because it's important.

Fighting with myself.


That is exactly what it's been like since I started this journey in January '08. For the most part, I've been winning the fight, but it's still been a fight. Fighting every meal to consume only the portion I need, not the portion I want. Fighting to be mindful about what I eat, when I eat, where I eat, how I eat, how long it takes me to eat. Fighting to get myself to exercise on a regular basis. Fighting constant brain noise and thoughts of things my body has no use for, but some primal part of my brain wants - the fight any addict fights.

Truth is, all this time, I haven't been fighting with myself metaphorically. I've been fighting with myself literally. My child self.

Every time I struggle with myself, there's this dialogue going on in my head. It's constant and all-consuming. I just realized today, with lots of help, that the dialogue is between my higher self - the adult self that wants things done right - and the child self - who wants what she wants when she wants it and that's all she knows.
What the hell are you doing? How are you going to lose weight, eating right before you go to bed? For Chrissakes, it's 11:30! Don't you remember, we don't eat after 8pm?
Look. I'm a little hungry. And cereal sounds really good right now.
Seriously. You're going to eat. Then go to sleep? What is the purpose of that? How about just go to bed and before you know it you'll be asleep and a couple of hundred calories lighter.
Cereal. With banana. Yep. Mmmmmmm.
*irritated* Just go to bed.
*munch* *munch*
Ok. Great. You got your cereal snack. Not too damaging. Go to bed now.
*pours another bowl of cereal*
What are you doing?!
That was good. I want more. *munch* *munch*
*exasperated sigh* You realize we're losing control here, right?
Is there any chocolate around here? I want chocolate. *looks around for chocolate*
*extreme frustration* YOU DON'T NEED CHOCOLATE!
*fingers in ears* la la la la la la la la
And this is the struggle every day. Every hour. On really rough days, I count the minutes.

Now, however, I have the tools to talk to this little girl who wants. I've been talking to her all this time, however now, I've learned the correct way to interact with her.

Some things I learned today:

• Give names to the higher self and child self to identify them
• Let the child self speak first
• The adult self should be understanding, and show support and compassion, be forgiving, and know and acknowledge the power the child self holds
• Stop fighting! My therapist described it as "trying to talk down a five year old with a gun" - let the child self know you're on her side, wanting only to support and help, not to control.

As I rolled this information around in my head, I realized suddenly that I already know how to talk to my child self. I already know. I would never speak to my fiance's 7 year old daughter the way I talk down to myself. Even when she tests me. Even when she frustrates me. Even when she's outright defiant (which is blessedly rare, she's such a good kid) - I would never be so negative and disrespectful as I am with my own child self.

We've got a lot of talking to do.

Random list of complaints

• I have not been able to get my chit together since getting back from Louisiana. Several good meals in a row, then a binge on crap. A nice hike, then days of lazy apathy. I don't know. I just don't know.
• Sarah Palin? Really? That's supposed to be a joke, right? PLEASE tell me that's a joke.
• p.s. Tina Fey, I love you. You're a genius. An evil genius.
• Windows - the kind you put in your house, not the kind in the computer - are heavy. Really heavy. Their heaviness seems to increase in direct proportion to your height above the driveway and your inability to afford to buy a new window, should you drop the one you're trying to install.
• There are dogs that can find lost people. Sniff out cadavers. Cocaine. Meth. Even cancer. Why the hell hasn't anyone bred a dog yet that bathes itself once a week?
• While they're at it, why not teach the dog to use a steam-cleaner for the carpet? I'm just sayin'.
• That is the last time you will ever see me drop a g off of one of my words. Sarah Palin ruined it for all of us.
• Obama's ahead in Ohio. Holy smokes.
• Don't ever walk right into a jetski trailer hitch that's sitting there on the ground (and has been sitting in that exact same spot for weeks). Especially don't do it wearing flip-flops. It'll hurt! I'm warning you. Your foot will turn all sorts of colors and your language will actually be quite colorful too. Don't ask how I know.
• Is there anything better than a nice cut and color? Probably not, but I will investigate tomorrow.
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Shut UP! p.s. Fox News called, they want their talking points back.
• Soup sounds good, doesn't it? Who doesn't like soup?

Ooops. Mixed a few observations in with the complaints. I'm off my game. Must be time to go to bed.